The Three-Body Problem

In physics, there’s a well-known issue with Newton’s Laws of Motion. His formulae are perfect for calculating the effects of gravity between two distinct objects but face a challenge when a third object is introduced. Suddenly the simplicity of the mathematics breaks down and it becomes necessary to compare the interaction between two of the three and repeat for each permutation to truly understand the dynamics of the system as a whole.

Surprisingly, this also describes the challenge faced by the political Right in America at present. The Right is caught in its own gravitational struggle, and the stakes are high.

The Right is essentially composed of three distinct “bodies,” or factions:

1. “America First.” Formerly known as “MAGA” and even more formerly known as the Tea-Party. This is a very large group of people on the Right that largely support Donald Trump, although many would say that their philosophies pre-dated and will live beyond a Trump presidency.
2. “The Establishment.” Really the stereotype Republican. Corporatists and power brokers that listen to yacht rock while they run their hedge funds remotely. In the halls of government these are the “go along to get along” people. They consider principle to be a liability in politics, and that all that matters is winning the next election to maintain power.
3. “Conservatives.” Yes, I really do consider them separate from the other groups. Conservatism is based on issues more than doctrine. And those issues rest on four pillars: Economic Issues, Social Issues, Foreign Affairs, and National Security. And a person may self-describe as conservative simply because of a stance they hold on issues rather than belonging to one of the other two groups.

These three “bodies” are locked in a struggle for the soul of the Right as you read this. And just like the workaround for the Newtonian problem, the best way to analyze this system is to take them two at at time.

Conservatives and The Establishment

The Establishment ignores Conservatives for the most part. Conservatives are the loudest voices decrying deficit spending, gun laws, gay marriage, you name it. Therefore Conservatives make the Right look bad in the media. The Establishment spends all their time in the media in order to accomplish their goals so they are compelled to dismiss Conservatives at every opportunity, even those in their caucus.

Conservatives and America First

Because MAGA and Conservatives usually agree on the issues, Conservatives are often drawn into the controversies that MAGA has zeal for. Conservatives often find themselves therefore defending MAGA or in extreme cases defending Trump himself because they feel it’s necessary to not let the issue die with the disease, if you will. Conservatives are mainly embarrassed by MAGA, but can’t deny that the fate of both groups is likely intertwined. MAGA, on the other hand, sees Conservatives as cousins that “get it but don’t get it.” That they don’t fully comprehend the magnitude of the danger the nation faces and there’s little time left.

America First and The Establishment

Oh, boy. I could write many posts on this. Whereas The Establishment merely ridicules and ignores Conservatives, it takes out the long knives for MAGA. This is well-documented throughout the Trump presidency when the GOP essentially couldn’t be bothered to support him during his presidency and had to be guilted into simple things like protecting him during two impeachments. The Establishment uses their disgust with MAGA to improve their standing with the media, which as previously stated is the means to their ultimate end. MAGA reviles The Establishment. Terms like “RINO” (Republican In Name Only) are most frequently used in their descriptions. They see The Establishment as Judas selling out the cause for a bag of silver. And they have committed themselves to the destruction of their power base in DC.

As you can see, it’s a tough time for the Right at present. In an odd way it reminds me of religious schisms that have happened throughout history. Each faction claiming that they represent the true faith, when in truth perhaps none of them do anymore.

One thing that’s changed however is that now our family “squabble” has gone from a private one to a public one. The January 6 “commission” and their GOP enablers have declared open war on MAGA. And Conservatives are now forced to choose a course of action. Do we protect the “family?” Or, do we stand back and let our cousins kick the shit out of each other?

And what do we do about the political fallout? The enemies of the Right aren’t just going to spectate from the cheap seats. They’re going to plunder the political carcasses one by one. History has shown that the best time to destroy a nation is while it’s in the midst of a crisis. Why wouldn’t the same be true for a political philosophy?

In truth, the only option for Conservatives at this point is to stand up for Conservatism itself. Talk issues. Discuss the fundamentals of the relationship between the government and the governed. Engage on the subject of “Equality” versus “Equity.” Keep trying to advance the ball down the field while the Zealots and the Pharisees battle over who’s more virtuous towards the faith.

The Soul of the Right is indeed up for grabs. But like with gravity the effects will be felt beyond the system itself. Will the Right be able to reach equilibrium? Or will the wedge between them grow worse with time? It’s hard to say. The beliefs we share are dwarfed by our choice of methods. And that in the end may spell the end.

Or, it could help give birth to a true third party for the first time in a long time in America. I’ll write about that some other time…

What Exactly Did You Expect?

I’ve discussed this to some extent in the past, but ever since the leaking of Justice Sam Alito’s draft opinion I’ve been trying to get my thoughts organized for this moment.

I’m really not interested in debating abortion itself. If there’s an issue in this country where every single person has made up their mind and will not be persuaded it’s abortion. It’s called one of the “third rails” of politics for a reason.

I’m a systems architect. I design and build systems. I test them, I anticipate possible flaws and I try to address them before they happen. I also build in the ability to make adjustments and corrections seamlessly without having to rebuild the system from scratch.

The United States Constitution is a system. And its architecture is brilliant. But the Founders did not properly plan for the Supreme Court to flex its way into a position of supremacy over the other two branches. And they most certainly did not expect judicial activism.

The “Civil War Amendments” were drafted and ratified as a strong correction to the slavery practice in America. The 13th outlawed slavery outright. The 15th specifically granted franchise to all citizens (and ironically left out women which needed to be corrected by the 19th Amendment).

And then there’s the 14th Amendment. If you tried to pack more broad-reaching language into a law you’d be hard-pressed. It addressed all the flaws in the Constitution that allowed or tolerated slavery as an institution. It established that any person born in the US is a citizen, it asserted that all citizens are entitled to equal protection of the laws, it enshrined due process, it corrected the controversial “3/5ths clause” by making sure that all citizens had equal representation in Congress, it forbade members of the Confederate army or their enablers from participating in the Federal government, and finally it asserted that the US would not honor any debts owed by the Confederacy prior to or during the Civil War.

It’s a sweeping amendment with strong restorative impact. And it’s the most abused Amendment in the Constitution since it was ratified.

For example, birthright citizenship has been used to re-shape immigration. And the Equal Protection clause was cleverly levered to bring about gay marriage as a protected right. And very recently the insurrection clause is being used to try to declare Republican politicians as being ineligible to serve.

Each of these examples are beyond the intended scope of the authors of the amendment. And yet as time passed the courts have relied on these clauses to advance social change. And none moreso than the Due Process clause.

The 60s were a time of social upheaval, and the courts were caught between the strong gravitational pull of traditional america and the unquestioned counter-revolution that was taking place in their homes and schools and churches. The role specifically of women in both society and in the family was being put under severe strain.

A series of cases were brought to the Court to erode away state restrictions on women who were trying to avoid pregnancy. Starting with Griswold v. Connecticut and continuing to Eisenstadt v. Baird and finally Roe v. Wade itself. Each case dragged the Court further and further into the quicksand of an implicit “Right to Privacy” in the Constitution and concreted their reliance on substantive due process to protect that right.

And although it didn’t stop with Roe, that certainly was the milestone. Once it was achieved the notion of implied rights took hold in jurisprudence and has ever since.

As time has passed Justices have come and gone many times and their replacements have all had to endure the inquisition of their adherence to precedent and their commitment to “settled law.” That is, that prior decisions by prior Courts should endure forever unless and until the Congress sees fit to change the law.

And this brings us back to our system flaw. It was only a matter of time before a Court considered rejecting precedent as part of their activism. And that they’d feel unencumbered by the chains of past decisions.

And the result? If you rely on flimsy precedent for a specific outcome you make yourself vulnerable to some future court overturning such precedent.

So, I simply ask, what did you expect would happen? It was always a matter of time.

The only way to install permanence in the law is through the legislatures. Write laws. Ratify amendments. Get it done through elected representatives. Nothing else will last.

A Cascade of Crisis

Have you noticed lately that there’s something new in the news to stir you up about every two weeks? A celebrity slap or a missing laptop or a state law or whatever comes along just in time to re-capture your flagging attention.

And while for many of us it has become exhausting for others it has unfortunately turned into a speedball of anxiety and they have to get their fix. And like most dopamine reactions the second high isn’t as powerful as the first so the stakes have to be raised again and again in order to get that sensation.

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine certainly raised the bar. And the stakes with them. This time it wasn’t just the gluttons for anxiety that could drink from the fountain, but the virtue-signallers and the warmongers alike could all step up and get a slice.

And that to me is what makes it suspicious. When I look at the last 30 months, all I see is crisis after crisis after crisis. And each one sitting on a quicksand foundation of misinformation and political bias. I’ve reached the point where I can’t trust anything I hear from anyone. I don’t care how much I may have trusted the source in the past.

The speed at which Ukraine turned into a media event (Zelensky has already appeared in Congress, the Oscars, and the Grammys in less than a month) has my head spinning. And it’s the media that continue to keep the “war” in the forefront of headlines.

And it’s not just the entertainment world – the reaction from the warhawks has been quite strong as well – “we have to send them airplanes! and rocket launchers!” they shout. “There’s a genocide underway! We have to take action!” It’s almost like they need WW3 to happen.

We all know of the concept of “the tail that wags the dog.” Specifically, a government gets involved in a military conflict in order to divert their population’s attention from economic woes or political scandal of some kind. And I can’t help but wonder that such a thing is going on in many aspects right now. Putin is not very popular in his country, and there are many trying to unseat him from power. Fighting a war against a historically antagonistic neighbor let’s him wag the dog.

Biden doesn’t have the option available to him. America is sick and tired of war, and our current “ADD” when it comes to news makes it impossible for him to get public support much less public commitment to such an effort. Besides, people will question his motives from the start and he’d likely suffer political damage instead of benefit by even trying.

Taking all this into account I’ve concluded that I don’t give a rat’s ass what’s going on in Ukraine. Not because I’m an “isolationist,” and not because I’m “pro-Putin.” But mainly because I don’t believe anything I’m hearing and I’m not gonna butt-in to a situation when I think I could so more harm than good.

I know Russia is the aggressor here. I don’t need to be told that. But just because Russia is the bad guy does not mean that Ukraine is the good guy. Putin is dying for an escalation. He would love nothing more than to have a regional conflict or maybe even a global one. Then he could finally “have it out” with the West before his time is done. I have no interest in indulging him. And Biden would love for Putin to make the first escalating move because then he’d be free to respond without political consequence.

And for these reasons I don’t trust anything and anyone. All motives are questioned. All stories are considered “fake news.” And every time I hear a reference to “nazis” I close my ears.

Putin is an idiot. Biden is an idiot. Let’s not allow the two of them to destroy the world because of it.

No, Canada.

The “Trucker” protests in Canada are reaching their third week and the stories of political threats and intimidation and police-state tactics against them and those who give them support is downright frightening.  But in all candor, it’s not surprising to me.

Like all former British colonies (save this one), Canada’s people have continued the traditional British view of a benevolent government.  They don’t contemplate that it’s possible or even permissible for their government to act against their best interests, and it’s their civic duty to remain always obedient to their government.

Another thing they inherited from Britain is the zero-tolerance approach to protests against government dictates.  Whether it’s Canada, or Australia, or New Zealand, the protests against government rules has been squashed, mainly by the police.

And while the police may be the physical counter-force against the people, the government uses their seemingly endless power to confiscate property, to restrict access, to publicly smear anyone that opposes them.

When I was growing up, we were still in the Cold War with the USSR.  I couldn’t understand how people could live in fear of their government and allow themselves to be told where to live, what to eat, how to work, when to sleep, and so on.  And they also lived in fear of their neighbors, who might rat them out at any moment and be sent away to prison or a camp or worse.

And I didn’t understand because I wasn’t old enough to understand human nature.  I didn’t yet understand that there is no such thing as a “noble use of power.”  That those who seek power should never be trusted with it.  Ever.  And those that believe that governments will never turn on them are the most dangerous people in the world.

And then a little virus comes along.

The Covid pandemic has emboldened governments around the world with a drug that’s worse than heroin – open-ended emergency powers.  A governor or a prime minister activates an emergency law that was passed to handle “unknown” crises, but then finds a clever way to extend those powers indefinitely.  And they aren’t ashamed to come up with excuses about why they still need their power.

And thanks to party-politics, the largely sympathetic legislatures and courts do nothing to try to curtail this overtly blatant abuse of power.  Rather they silently applaud it.  And a compliant and cooperative media does their daily version of “hail, Caesar!” to make sure that the public plays along.

That’s how quickly democracy can die.  All it takes is a handful of unscrupulous people with access to enormous power to abuse it, and the game is on.  And it’s often the case that the people cheer it on as their rights disintegrate before their eyes.

The only thing that has stopped the US from falling into the same pit that our cousins to the North are drowning in is our tradition of Liberty.  And of civil disobedience.  We don’t think it’s our duty to do what the government tells us to do.  Rather, we think it’s our duty to tell government to fuck off when they get too big for their britches.

Do I mourn for Canada?  Sure.  Do I mourn for Australia?  Sure.  But they never stood a chance because when you spend your life believing that government is virtuous you are going to suffer mightily the day you are proven wrong.  And they don’t have enough people ready to say FUCK OFF.

Maybe Fences Do Make Good Neighbors

[Note: I’ve been struggling for a few weeks on how to properly frame this post, and as a consequence it’s still sitting in my draft folder! So I think I’m just gonna publish what I have and expand on it in a future post. – DW]

I was having a conversation with an old friend recently and the subject turned to COVID and of course all the public policy and sentiment circling around the illness.

Invariably the conversation led to the time-old argument of “what gives you the right to get me sick?” We’ve all heard this statement in one form or another. And it forced me to put my thoughts on the subject into words for the first time.

Where do my rights end and yours begin?

For the most part it’s understood that individual rights don’t extend beyond a person and his property. And that a “void” of sorts exists between individuals where the people have a mutual stake but no one has explicit dominion over. It’s a pretty simple model to understand. Your rights stop at your nose, my rights at mine.

What happens in that “void” has been a hotly debated topic since the advent of politics. And typically the debate boils down to one of individual rights versus public interest.

In America we’ve dedicated a great deal of our jurisprudence towards addressing infractions across the void. And thanks to our Constitution, those laws are unable to curtail individual rights in order to accomplish this end.

As people enjoyed more and more of their “extended” rights within the void, the need to protect those rights became stronger. The Constitution does nothing to contemplate or regulate the void, and so these protections are solely at the whim of politicians and bureaucrats.

What also comes about are people that seek preemptive rights. That is, they want the void to do the dirty work for them and prevent others from exercising rights because that may possibly infringe on their rights.

This can be a dangerous concept, as it creates (intentionally or not) a hierarchy of rights. And as people try to assert these preemptive rights in the void they can effectively cancel the individual rights of others.

[This is where I’m stuck. I can take this in a couple of directions at this point. Are collective rights so much more important that preemptive rights need to trump individual rights? Certainly other countries think so. But in America the individual is uniquely revered compared to other nations. It’s definitely not a settled issue. Is it wrong to have collective rights at all? We spend so much time writing laws about what we can’t do to each other that we’ve made individual accomplishment almost impossible. And what about in the age of the internet? When not only governments but corporations vie for control in their ready-made collectives, has the individual lost all power over his own life? I think I will find myself writing about the last one a lot.]

[Anyway, if I find a way to organize these thoughts better I’ll post again and expand.]

The Best Year of My Life

I think a lot of people today are saying “thank God 2021 is finally over. That was the worst year of my life.” And certainly we all can come up with horror stories of what went wrong for us individually or collectively in 2021. But I have a different take on it.

At the beginning of the year, my brother and his family moved out of Brooklyn to a house upstate. They threw their life into chaos and things took almost a year to finally settle down.

Shortly thereafter my mother announced that she needed heart valve replacement surgery. I took her to the hospital and stayed with her until she was well enough to come home. She dealt with some minor complications but things settled down eventually.

Not long after that I went for my first “routine” colonoscopy in my life only to discover a mature tumor ready to burst. And if not for access to the excellent care of the Yale system I might not have gotten it removed in time. Considering the complexity of the surgery and the location in my body, to be intact and functional is amazing.

In the middle of chemotherapy my father fell down. He had been having trouble with his balance for a few years and managed to escape serious injury but this time he tore his patellar tendon in his left leg. And it went undetected for a week as incompetent doctors kept trying to dismiss him. But we eventually got him in front of the right people and we got him into surgery and then into 10 weeks of rehab.

That meant that he could never come home, though, as their house had two flights of stairs and he wouldn’t be able to handle them safely ever again. So, a sudden scramble started where we had to find him a place he could live where mom could join him and we had to sell their house. I spent many weeks with my mother looking at assisted living places while my brother worked on selling their house. This team effort allowed us to move them into a brand new facility in September and we had their house sold by November.

Meanwhile in August was one of the highest rainfall totals in CT history, and at one point the rains dumped so much in the area that my office was flooded with an inch of water. Luckily for us we had very little electronics on the floor and as a result our operations were never affected. It still took us a week to clean up and even longer to deal with the remediation, but we eventually dried everything out.

Now some people might read this post and say “Jesus, what a horrible year for you and your family.” But I look at it a completely different way. We faced adversity time and time and time again and we overcame it. We endured. And we succeeded. I call that providence. I call that faith rewarded.

My mother is alive. My father is alive. I am alive. We are all safe and sound. We have sold homes and moved to better places. We have saved what could have been lost. And we may have bent but we never broke.

So from where I sit 2021 was the best year ever.

Stop calling it a “Vaccine”

Let’s start this way:

(thanks to dictionary.com)

The word “vaccine” has a very specific definition, as you can read above.  But perhaps more important is what people think the word means.

Take a moment.  When you hear “vaccine” what do you think you’re getting?  I’ll wager you’re thinking “lifelong protection.”  That’s certainly what I think when I hear the word.

Nobody, for example, thinks about needing to take a shot for Polio because we all got it as kids and we’ll therefore never need it again, right?  That’s how it works.  We all got the MMR shot and we’ll be worry-free for the rest of our lives?  The shot not only protects us from illness it prevents us from being able to spread it to others.

Now look at the COVID shot.  First, there is now plenty of data to show that the durability (i.e.: how long you’re protected) is perhaps as low as 6 months.  Therefore “booster” shots are needed to extend protection.

Second, the shot doesn’t prevent the infection.  You have merely trained your immune system to fight off the worst effects of getting infected.  So not only can you contract the disease, you can spread it to others.  [For further reading look at breakthrough infections and how Israel’s cases have spiraled out of control.]

Doesn’t sound like a “vaccine,” does it?  Sounds more like a flu shot.  Or a tetanus shot.  Something with limited efficacy and limited protection.  And really the analog to the flu shot is more appropriate as we have seen certain “variants” of covid seem to be able to withstand certain mixtures of the covid shot.

So why is it so important for people to call this shot a “vaccine?”  Well, first they need to reinforce their delusion that this virus can be controlled, despite an entire human history of not being able to stop respiratory viruses, especially coronaviruses.

They also need to feed their sanctimony.  They are happy to create two teams — the “vaxxed” and the “unvaxxed.”  The “vaxxed” of course are the angels in their mind.  Pure, cleansed, perfect.

The “unvaxxed” on the other hand are the demons.  Lepers even.  The unwashed that brings ruination on society.

And so they build a little fantasy world where everything would return to normal if only everyone got the shot.  The problem is, not everyone wants the shot.

It’s hard to blame folks.  They see a shot with limited duration, limited protection, and in all candor possible scary side effects and they say “I’ll take my chances.”  I can sympathize with their perspective.  Especially after 18 months of endless government edicts and bureaucratic double-talk it’s impossible to know who to trust.

They also see data that demonstrates that the younger you are, the less you are at risk.  Kids, for example, are more likely to accidentally fall out of a hot air balloon than die from covid.  Adults in their 30s are more likely to die in a car crash than die from covid.  And yet the media and the “experts” insist on pushing the threat to children and go so far as to prohibit access to schools without kids taking a shot they don’t need (statistically speaking).

And they aren’t stopping there.  They have allowed a mythology to be constructed that only the “unvaxxed” are responsible for spreading the disease.  And they push for draconian methods to create a tacit apartheid where the “vaxxed” can participate in society but the “unvaxxed” cannot.  If you can’t prove you’ve had the shot, you may as well stay home.  And don’t you dare get sick because we don’t want to have to waste money and a hospital bed to treat your ignorant ass.

The dangers of such attitudes can’t be taken lightly.  Not only from a civil libertarian perspective, but from one of simple common decency.  We are all citizens.  We are all human beings.  We all have basic human rights that can’t be forfeited simply by refusing a medical procedure.  And that’s what we’re talking about.  

The Libertarian in me is gravely concerned about the precedent we are setting.  The heavy hand of government (encouraged by their adherents and the media) cannot be permitted to cross this line.  It’s bad enough we’ve had to endure an open-ended state of “emergency” for 18 months but a government that can compel us to take a shot against our will has far more power over us than we care to admit.

And it all starts with a single misused word.  They couldn’t get away with any of this crap if they were forced to admit that the shot is not a vaccine.  It’s just a shot.  It cannot live up to any of the guarantees that people think it can.

Covid has shown that it is here to stay.  There is no eliminating it.  There is no world where it isn’t possible to spread between people.  Anyone that sells that idea is selling snake-oil.

Let’s not throw away all of our liberties for a little security.  Especially when that security is paper-thin.

 

This is TDS…

I’m looking at the news stories coming out that the COVID-19 virus may have in fact escaped from a viral “testing” lab in China and my reaction is — Well, DUH.

One of the more frustrating things about the Trump presidency (and the COVID outbreak in specific) is how the media and Resist, Inc. were absolutely determined to discredit him every time he took in a breath to speak.

And whether such action was warranted or not the effects were cumulative and definitely self-propagating. Eventually it became vital to “fact check” and “debunk” every statement he made and nit-pick each word looking for half-truths or mis-statements.

The effect was truly damaging. Faith in his leadership was destroyed by the time the COVID outbreak started and it led to many different parallel power grabs. At the state level, governors rushed to implement policies in an attempt to demonstrate their leadership. At the federal level, career bureaucrats like Fauci rose to media stardom at breakneck speed.

And the media itself decided it would try to run the outbreak response. They started to collect data themselves and push their own recommendations and advisories as if they each were their own CDC.

All these different entities vying for power and the spotlight made Trump’s ability to manage the federal response almost impossible. And yet each day he would stand in front of the cameras and try to give updates as best he could and try to stick around to answer every question, even the mocking ones.

And of course Resist, Inc. would take his responses intentionally out of context in order to discredit him further and they’d mock him in the 24/7 news cycle to the point where the portrait and caricature of the president was seen as true and the actual was seen as mythology.

During one of those briefings the President expressed an opinion that the virus not only originated in China, but that it may have escaped from a lab in Wuhan.  He refused to say whether he believed it was intentional or accidental, but at the time the world was desperate for information about the virus and the fact that China likely had the gene sequence and wasn’t sharing it was disappointing.

China has a strong influence on American politics.  Through our entertainment industry they can influence public opinion, and through our politicians they can influence policy.  It’s the downside of being in debt to them for as much as we are.  And the Chinese government stays in power by projecting strength and (more importantly) infallibility to its people.

The “escape” of the COVID-19 virus from Wuhan was a massively embarrassing moment for the Chinese government. And they had no interest in drawing more attention to that.  Thus it became vitally important to help them “save face,” if you will, on the global stage.  Everyone knew what had happened but if you wanted their help and you wanted their involvement you best stop drawing attention to it.

So Trump was buried for his comment.  Even though we all knew that the simplest explanation was that the virus was in the lab and got out somehow.  And the compliant media was happy to accommodate the wishes of the Chinese to perpetuate the myth of “wet markets” and other such nonsense to avoid scrutiny.

And here we are a year later discovering “wow, so Trump was right after all.”  It’s frustrating for me because it’s been so obvious for so long and yet the media kept shouting “no evidence” and “unsubstantiated” and so on.  Their lack of intellectual curiosity is frankly embarrassing.

It makes me wonder.  What else was he “right after all” about?  How many things did he try to do to help us get out of this sooner and couldn’t succeed because Resist, Inc. was determined to undermine him?  At what point will we discover that we’ve been led around by the nose by unscrupulous people who just want power and the spotlight?

And, when will we demand better from our media?  When will we finally insist that they do their homework and actually investigate a topic instead of going for the emotional red-meat?

Trump was not a good president. And I have never really supported him.  But I gotta wonder if he would have done a better job if he had just gotten some support. In a lot of ways he reminds me of Captain Queeg.  Yes, the crew felt there was no other choice to save the ship, but if they had worked with him from the start and built mutual trust it never would have come to that point.

 

Providence

I haven’t written in a while to give an update of any kind. Partially because I’ve been dealing with my cancer, but also because I’m learning that it’s not always therapeutic to talk things out.

So, to catch everyone up, here’s how it’s gone:

First, my brother had a friend that went through a very similar cancer experience as I, and he put us in touch with each other.  Looking back that was the most important thing that I needed to be able to cope with my situation.  His friend told me what to expect, when to expect it, and made sure that I knew enough to ask questions myself.

Not long after my last post I learned that there was an opening and my surgery could get bumped-up a week. I had been so pensive about waiting that I was excited and relieved to be able to start sooner.

So, at the end of March I underwent the procedure.  Given the location of my tumor I required a “Lower Anterior Resection,” which sounds fancy but it is fraught with complications.  The proximity of the tumor to my rectum meant that I was going to lose a piece of it along with the diseased piece of colon.  Usually it’s customary for surgeons to re-route the small intestine out of the body to a bag (an ileostomy) so that the large intestine can heal without being used for an extended period of time.  Then once the large intestine is healed enough the small intestine is returned to it’s normal route.

The other likelihood was that the amount of rectum remaining would be insufficient for normal function, which would result in the need to route the large intestine out of the body to a bag (a colostomy).  This was unlikely but if it happened it would be permanent.

What was working in my favor was that my surgeon is an expert using robotic-assisted laproscopy.  This technique has made even complex surgeries like colectomy so much easier and have such a higher rate of success without complication.  Knowing that I would be taking advantage of these technologies was a real boost to my morale.

After doing my pre-surgery screens the day arrived and my mother and brother brought me to the hospital where the surgery would be performed.  I walked into the surgical area and calmly disrobed and was wheeled into the operating room, and I was asleep in moments.

My first memory waking up in recovery was my surgeon leaning to whisper in my left ear… “No bag,” he said.  I managed to lift up my hand for a high-five and he returned it.  I passed back out.

The next few days were spent recovering in the hospital.  I was given a private room where I could rest and watch TV and listen to podcasts.  My mom and brother visited me more than once but I spent the first two days mainly sleeping.  Nurses and techs came to check on me every hour or two.  The first night I was encouraged to stand and see if I could scoot around the room.  The next day I was encouraged to walk beyond my room.  By the third day I was walking the hallways like the mayor of my floor – greeting nurses and patients alike.

Beyond the walking my diet improved.  The first two days it was liquid only.  Broths, ginger ale, juice, jello.  By the third day I was allowed to have toast and pudding and cream of wheat and so on.  Right before they released me I was even allowed to (gasp) have eggs.  The biggest treat ever for me!

When I was discharged my brother brought me to my parents’ house and I stayed with them through Easter.  My mom at first was concerned about how she’d be able to care for me but in very little time she realized that I could manage pretty well.  The first few days I slept a lot anyway, although I always got up to have coffee with her in the morning and I made sure to take at least one long walk every day.  I was even able to use stairs without much problem, which made everyone feel more at ease.

After Easter, I finally returned to my own house.  It had been over a week since I had been there.  My brother drove me home and helped me buy groceries so that I wouldn’t need to leave the house for food.  I hunkered-down and rested as much as I could.

Each day that passed I was getting stronger and I eventually felt strong enough to try to drive my car.  I took it up the street to the store and back.  No problems at all, so the next day I drove myself to the surgeon’s office for my follow-up.  When he saw how I was doing and that I had driven myself he was delighted.

I started the next week by easing myself back into work.  My boss and I had arranged that I’d work remotely during my recovery until I was strong enough to return to the office.  Given my role in the company it’s very easy for me to do what I do from home, so this was a great opportunity to get rest when needed and work when I could.

It also afforded me the chance to visit with more doctors, including my oncologist, who as expected wanted to start me on a chemotherapy regimen as soon as possible.  Even though I was “Stage 2” I was very very late Stage 2, and the simple truth is that cancer may have already started spreading in my body at undetectable levels.  So the playbook calls for acting as if I was Stage 3 instead and go on offense.

To accomplish this I had what’s called a “port” installed near my collarbone.  It’s a reservoir-like device that is about the size of a bottle-cap from a beer.  It’s placed under the skin and it connects to the vein in my neck.  then needles and other devices could tap into the port instead of needing to fish around for a vein in my arm all the time.  It’s an incredible piece of technology that makes treatments so much more possible.

And so last week was my first round of chemo.  I spent half a day at the doctor’s office with medicine #1 dripping into the port, and then I was fitted with a pump and medicine #2 that I would carry with me for 2 days.  Again, having the port makes that so effortless.  And on the third day I returned the pump to them.  All they had to do is disconnect it from the port and I walked out. So simple.

Even though I had been taking medicine for 3 days I didn’t get walloped until day 4.  Knocked me out pretty hard.  Napped a lot, slept a lot. But eventually I came out of it and managed to function pretty well.  I was able to walk and drive and I even visited with the family for Mother’s Day.

Just this week I’ve gotten some good news too — my oncologist won’t recommend radiation after the chemo.  That was a relief to me.  I didn’t think I could handle that much abuse.  And even today my surgeon was once again thrilled with my progress at the 6-week mark.  He says I’m doing better than many at this stage, and he even cleared me to eat what I want and maybe even play golf this summer!

I titled this post “Providence” and I hope by now you see why.  I got the colonoscopy, which allowed us to discover this thing just in the nick of time.  Then my GI built my team and handed me an incredible surgeon and oncologist, all of whom are clearly invested in my success.  And then my brother knowing someone who knew exactly how to counsel me and guide me.

When I had my initial CAT scan, it was shown I was not Stage 3 yet.  When I was nervous about waiting for the surgery it was pushed up a week.  When I was praying I wouldn’t need a bag I didn’t get one.  When I hoped I’d be able to recover well and return to work and an independent life I did.  When I crossed my fingers that I wouldn’t need radiation I didn’t.  Heck, even when I hoped the bills would be covered they were (mostly).

From the moment I got the “bad” news I haven’t had anything but good news since.  This entire experience has been an endless gift from God.  Keeping my anxiety at-bay.  Helping me heal.  Giving me positive news when I need it, and strength to handle the endless visits and procedures.  All of it comes from Him.

I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay the blessings I’ve been given.  Or how I can make myself worthy of them.  But I know that for the remainder of my life I’ll try.  Because I believe I was spared certain death. 

Thanks for listening.

Wake up call

I’m 51.  I’ve had unusual health issues for some time now.  I suffered from a “Lyme-like” illness for a while and then I suffered from the treatment of it.  To this day I’m still dealing with neuropathy and some cognitive issues.

But that’s all part of life.  Your body will slowly give up on you and you have to choose to make the most of the time you have, whether it’s travelling the world or being with family or simply making sure you have some time for yourself away from all the concerns of others.

Last year I was supposed to get my first colonoscopy.  The ritual begins at 50 as many know, and the idea is to catch cancer before it starts.  But, I dragged my feet making the appointment and then COVID hit.  I let the whole year go by without getting it done.

Two weeks ago I finally had my first “routine” colonoscopy.  And wouldn’t you know it they found a tumor.  A decent one.  It’s in my sigmoid not far from my rectum.  It’s operable but the surgery will be tough and the recovery even tougher.  My life may not be the same for a long time.  And we still don’t know if I’ll need chemo or not, although the likelihood of taking a preventative regimen is high.

There’s no rant here.  I could ask out loud if I could have prevented this by going last year, but the truth is that this has probably been cooking in me for longer than that.  And it’s been slowly growing inside me like a ticking bomb.  I’m blessed to have discovered it while there’s still time to do something.

My surgery is in three weeks.  It is agonizing to have to wait so long knowing I have this thing but there are preparations to make and pre-screenings to do.  And my surgeon moved his schedule around to get me in as quickly as he could.  So agony or not I will wait.

The possibility of death for me at this point is very low.  The cancer has not yet spread and if we have caught it in time then the surgery + chemo should close the book on that aspect of it.  Any surgery has a risk of complications but little is gained by dwelling on that.  Still, I am putting my affairs in order and writing letters to family just to make sure.

Afterwards I’m going to be on my back for a few weeks.  And I might be toting some equipment around for a re-routed digestive system.  Not what anyone would wish for, but it sure beats being dead.  And such changes aren’t likely to be permanent.  So I’ll manage the best I can and keep going.

There’s no history of cancer in my family.  This is something that has caught us all by surprise.  The truth is that all cancers, but especially colon cancer, are appearing more and more in healthy young people.  And I’m neither healthy nor young.  The only way to save yourself is to get checked.  Maybe as young as 40 or 45.  Don’t wait until you’re 50.  Or you might get the “wake up call” I did.

I know I don’t have a lot of readers.  It’s a shame really.  I was hoping that this channel would become something not only therapeutic for me but a venue for the exchange of thoughts and ideas and philosophy.  Even though that hasn’t come to pass, I’m glad to have a place where I can “nail” a message to a board for the public to read.  Thanks for stopping by.